It was a rather stupid endeavour. Spent a wonderful weekend doing that. I don’t regret it.
The quetion is, this anxiety that it’s causing - is it good anxiety? Will something meaningful come out of it.
Is this the kind of heat one must pass through to whatever?
I understand it’s a rather lame entry after what was a relatively long break. It’s fine. I’m not afraid of lame.
I’m afraid of not showing up.
It’s true I do not have judges right now. I write this for myself. And I intend to keep it that way. The trick is, reminding myself that I am a harsh enough judge.
When it comes to ‘others’, I think of all the likes I’ll get and not get. That’s a very low signal feedback which unfortunately has a disproportionate impact on my mood. Which is why I choose to stay away from it for now.
There’s also the other point that once you have an audience and you’ve been writing about something, you have some degree of an obligation to them. You need to sort of make sure that you live up to the theme if not the content that the audience has come to expect from you. It’s not easy.
What if one day I want to talk about how onions brown at various power levels? I want to do that shamelessly and without a thought.