The sheer sense of panic and the overwhelming fear that I feel when there’s a review is not even funny.
When I’ve been given some work. When I’ve been assigned a clear, concrete deliverable that hinges on external dependencies or someone else doing their job, I almost shut down mentally.
I can remember the times I have felt this fear. It’s funny this still persists, because every single one of those time, I came out fine. I wasn’t called out for a charalatan.
Right now, I don’t remember the details of the last few times this has happened. The experience I’m living through right now is of course a lot more vivid.
The biggest (meta) fear is not being able to timebox what is needed of me here. It probably comes from the thought that if I don’t put in lots of time worrying about the input, I’ll not be ‘rewarded’.
Too bad I’m not able to get the feeling out. It’s a lot more visceral than this. It’s this sense of writing my life away to the doldrums of the problem. Sometimes, not even doing much else beyond just agonising.
Today, I’ll try to timebox. I have been given a set of changes. I’ll execute them. And then I’ll stop. I’ve given the context to the AI. It can figure out the rest on its own. I’m also partially distracted because of having to write something personal in my office profile.
It’s all a pain and a mess of my mind’s making.